My Little Heaven
Welcome to my website, where I like to share a little about myself ૮꒰⑅ ◜ ◝ ꒱ა
This site is for me, it is a way to express myself and how I feel. It is going to be weird.I like my type of weirdness.
I tend to add more stuff from time to time but I don't update every day, as life can get busy. ♡
Navigation:
Remember! Be kind to others ✨
And Be kind to yourself ⭐
Any pronouns but I mostly like he/him 𓆩♡𓆪
Bulletin Board
Gay and Proud
Note(s):The gifs and images used are not mine (unless I mention they are), I find them on tumblr in the Geocities tag, card resources, etc, under posts that say that they are free to use for other people’s sites, that being said, if any of these are yours and don't want me using them, feel free to tell me and I will gladly take them down ♡I also use gifs/pics from anime or other media but needles to say that I do not owe them lol.
Mobile Version looks fine, but a bit messy, the site looks best on desktop mode.
This site is for something fun for me, so just because it's public, that doesn't mean I accept rudeness or criticism. I blog out of passion, and not for others enjoymentThis page is something personal, I do not expect people to read it in general but if they do, I hope they had a nice time seeing a piece of me. Think of it as my little online home, people are welcomed but please be nice.Also, English is not my first language and I don't feel like doing a thorough grammar check in what I write here, so it is what it is
Daily Life:
Other
Made with:
♡ About Me ♡
Fav Videogames:
♡ Lies of P
♡ Persona 5 Royal
♡ Paper Mario 64
♡ Alice Madness Returns
♡ Pokemon Black and White (The entire series really)
♡ Zelda Skyward Sword
♡ Yume Nikki
♡ Undertale
♡ Overwatch
Fav Movies:
♡The Nightmare before Christmas
♡Coraline
Corpse Bride
♡Pinocchio (1940 Disney)
♡Rosemary's Baby
♡Eraserhead
♡Psycho (1960)
Fav Anime/Manga:
♡ Hoshi no Kirby
♡ Elfen Lied
♡ Death Note
♡ Tokyo Mew Mew
♡ Naruto Shippūden
♡ Full Metal Alchemist Brootherhood
♡ Soul Eater
♡ Pandora Hearts
My favorite Quote
You're a writer. And that's something better than being a millionaire. Because it's something holy.
-Harlan Ellison
Some of my favorite songs:
♡Ruler of Everything: Tally Hall
♡Video Killed the Radio Star: The Buggles
♡Birdhouse in your Soul: They Might Be Giants
♡Ana NG: They Might Be Giants
♡No Es Serio Este Cementerio: Mecano
♡Flores Amarillas: Floricienta
♡Dance the NIght: Dua Lipa
♡World's Smallest Violin: AJR
♡Alfred's Theme: Eminem
♡Without Me: Eminem
♡Alegrijes y Rebujos
♡Still Alive: Portal...and honestly I could keep going
Fav Books:
♡ I have no mouth and I must scream
♡ Frankenstein
♡ Night of the Living Dummy
♡ The Picture of Dorian Gray
♡ Fahrenheit 451
♡ The Adventures of Pinocchio
💌Self Shipper💌
Married to Geppetto💍💒
If Geppetto has a million fans, I’m one of them.
If Geppetto has one fan I’m that one.
If Geppetto has no fans, that means I’m dead.
♡ About Me ♡
NAME: SERAFIEL JACOBS
Lv 24
Pronouns: He/him
Birthday: July 27
Mexican
Genderfluid
Writer
Artist
VeterinarianDogs and Cats are my specialty
Indie Game DevWork in process! The story is fully written and finished! 𓆩♡𓆪
Lucid Dreamer + Maladaptive DaydreamerYes, Maladaptive daydreaming is real, its not quirkly. It does make you more creative, and it is a part of me, but has been debilitating in the past, obv one tends to prefer your dream world than the real one, and it isolates you from others.
CatholicNo worries, I am not part of the crazy conservative ones, kinda sad I have to specify, and unlike them I have actually read the bible lol.Actually, I went to a Catholic school ages 12-17, so I learned quite a bit of Catholic theology there.God is kind, do not use him as an excuse to justify hatred.
I love the sea, it calls to me 🫧
╔═══ஓ๑♡๑ஓ═══╗
angels are real
╚═══ஓ๑♡๑ஓ═══╝
i know because i am one
🍼૮ ˶′ﻌ ‵˶ ა don’t worry ♡
you are where you need to be
It has the links for my commission info, my art, fanfics, my socials,
etc.Almost the same as in here, just that I share more about myself in this blog.
૮꒰⑅ ◜ ◝ ꒱ა
⭐ My Phone Deco ⭐
🩷 Some of my favorite characters ꒰ঌᐢ.ˬ.ᐢ໒꒱
♡ Beauty Routine ♡
(My Bathtub 🫧🧼🛁)
Strawberry, Rose & Sugar Scent
Milk, Honey, Vanilla & Banana Scent
Honey & Coconut Scent
Peachy Scent
Purifying Care
I am no beauty expert but these are the products I love using. Makes me hair feel very clean and hydrated and my skin very soft and pretty ♡
♡ FOOD LOG♡
Just times I've went out to eat and the food I enjoyed with friends and family
꒰ঌᐢ.ˬ.ᐢ໒꒱
♡ My bags ♡
꒰ঌCinnamoroll Bag໒꒱
꒰ঌKuromi Bag໒꒱
꒰ঌTravel Bag໒꒱
꒰ঌVintage Teddy Bear Bag໒꒱
꒰ঌ1928 Mickey Mouse Bag໒꒱
꒰ঌKirby Bag໒꒱
꒰ঌCustomized Barbie Bag໒꒱
꒰ঌPanda Bag໒꒱
Update: This bag was getting old, so I donated it. (I kept the keychain lol)Hopefully it’s new owner takes good care of it.
꒰ঌTotoro Bag໒꒱
♡ My Cats ♡
PofiAge: 20Despite his age, he is in very good health, this cat has been here practically all my life, he is very sweet and loves to be around others, even new people.He is the king of the house and all the other cats follow him.
WeroAge: 20Just like Pofi, he has been with me almost all my life, he is also in a very good shape despite his age, although he prefers to stay by himself, as he is an anxious cat, and does not like strangers.
PulgoAge: 14My one eyed black cat, my family rescued him when I was little. He is very shy and spends most of his time with Wero, we like to joke that they are boyfriends, since the two of them are always together. His meows sound like a baby crying, and more than once people have thought there was a baby on the house.
FigaraAge: 12Figara is a rescue, we think she was abused because she can be very aggressive, despite the many years she has lived with us, she clearly feels angry is the way to protect herself when she feels threaten.Despite this, she is a very sweet cat, she loves to follow me around and love to lie down next to those she trusts.
ChurroAge: 7Churro rarely if ever meows, so we say that he is autistic (like me).He is an extremely quiet cat, he would rather gently touch you with his paw if he wants something. Churro is very affectionate, but only with those he already knows.
NanaAge: 6Nana is an evil cat, she loves to act all feisty so Pofi has to calm her down before she starts attacking others. She acts all innocent because she looks like a bunny but she scratches and bites.She is actually a male cat, but when we found her on the streets it was too early to tell the gender and we assumed they were a girl. We never bothered to change it since they are a cat, I promise you, she does not care about those things.
TomAge: 6We found Tom in a garbage bin in a box alongside his siblings (people can be so cruel).We managed to get the other kittens adopted but nobody wanted Tom, so kept him. Now he is a huge fat and annoying cat that loves pretending he doesn't eat, "yes Tom already ate" is something you hear frequently at home since he begs and begs for more.
HermosaAge: About 3 (At least that is what we think)Mosa is a cat stay cat that was outside my mom's workplace, where unfortunately, some of the stays ended up getting ran over, so when she saw Hermosa pregnant we decided to take her in.She had her babies that we gave away, she is a very active cat, always moving an playing around, she also knows how to open doors, so she is quite the smart cat.
𓆩♱𓆪 Rest in Peace 𓆩♱𓆪
TontinWe miss you, you died so young, you were only a year old but you made a great impact. Hope to see you again someday ♡
In 2022, I made an interactive horror game in card, with 3 different sites as a gift for someone. Using gifs from old horror films or edits. None of the images used belong to me.I am very thankfully they enjoyed it, the writing is not the best one, and I am happy my skills have improved. Personally, I never intended to share it with more people but as I was managing my sites, I realized that while messy, I put so much love and effort into it and I would like to show it to others.Perhaps one day, I will re-write the story and re make these sites ♡
You are a private investigator, with the special ability to see ghosts and hold a power to purify evil, although beware as some spirits might be too strong for your magic.There are two endings, a good and bad one, with other ways to die along the way.
Health Diary
Note to self: Be kinder to yourself when it comes to your health ♡
Here I share my feelings about my medical struggles, I also go a little into detail but not overly much.
If your first thought is:
"gross, TMI why are you sharing that?"
It means you are not a mature enough person to understand that people deserve to vent about their health without judgement.Or maybe you are mature enough to understand it is not disgusting or gross, but still feel uncomfortable reading, that one is a valid reason, everyone has topics they rather not engage with.In any case, no one is forcing you to read, so feel free to do something else ♡
October 28 2024
Today I had a cystoscopy, and I will be in bed rest at home for days to recover properly.I have never been one to document my health online, aside from a few not feeling well enough to post in social media from time to time. For a long time, I felt bad about sharing these types of details, as I have faced a lot of health struggles thought my life. Sharing some of how I have feel with friends online has helped me feel better, I feel grateful to have so many people worrying about me (and offline as well) but from a young age, I had always been conditioned to not talk about my health, that it was pointless to make others worry when everyone told me I was going to be fine.I remember around when I was 17, and I posted in a WhatsApp story about I was feeling sick due to a cold, and an hour later getting a call from my parents asking what it was about, as apparently a cousin of mine showed it to my grandmother, and I got scolded by my family for worrying her over nothing.To be honest, I have always felt as if people I know in my daily life brush off my health issues, not that they don't care, I can tell they really do, I just don't think they understand how much I have been affected, how big it is in my life. I have seen dozens and dozens of doctors from a young age for a variety of reason, I am chronically ill, and my urinary issues have been one of my longest recurring problems. When I was very little, I would struggle so much to pee, to the point it hurt each time I tried to get it out, at night I would wake up my parents and cry because it hurt so much, in more than one occasion, my father, who is a doctor, would use a catheter to try and help me to get the urine out. One night, I was in so much pain, my father tried it again, but it didn't work, and I remember them rushing me towards the hospital, thankfully, I ended up wetting myself on the drive there, and we were so relived, I didn't even care that I got dirty, I remember feeling so relived the pain was finally gone.Weirdly enough, I also had a bed-wetting problem, so I would either pee in my sleep or be awake at night painfully trying to do so. Over time, the issue resolved itself, however, my urine problems still remained, I would always struggle so much to let it all out, I had to do so much effort, to this day I do, although by talking with my doctor, I am going to need some physical therapy to help me pee properly, the correct way to do so."No one teaches you how to pee"Those were her exact words a few days ago when she was explaining to me why I needed this procedure done. She is absolutely right, and I know to many, it probably sounds dumb you would say "of course no one does, it is an instinct all humans do". But no one teaches you how to pee properly, all my life I was doing it the wrong way, I was struggling, and people knew I was struggling, but everyone, including me, thought that I was doing it like everyone else.From my moms side of the family, urinary problems are quite common, with family members also struggling for years and getting medical procedures done too, although my problems were not exactly the same as theirs, still, this issue (and other health issues I have) are hereditary, so we all were not super concerned, besides I am young, the women in my family that struggled with this the most were all past their forties, no one thought the issue was going this badly for me and like I said, I didn't get either it was more serious.Sure, it is not life-threatening, but just because you aren't in the verge of death, doesn't mean others get the right to dismiss your pain and discomfort.
Don't interpret that I am mad at my family for this, a part of me is a little but like I said they really do care (at least most of them) and didn't know the true extent. Unfortunately for me, I am also autistic, and I have troubles expressing my emotions and how I am feeling, so it makes it harder for me to explain how I am struggling. Perhaps I can explain my deeper emotions better in another note in this log.Back on the topic, I feel fine, honestly I was so scared at the hospital when they were prepping me up, but I fell under the anesthesia so quickly and was discharged soon enough.I am in bed with a little bit of pain and discomfort, the hardest part was going up to the stairs despite having help. I have bled a little, but the doctor said it's normal, and that I will need to have this catheter for a few more days, which really sucks, but I am managing so far.So far it has felt nicely to write about my feelings, hope to feel better soon 𓆩♱𓆪
This thing feels so weird and uncomfortable
November 2 2024
The thing is finally off, thank God.I was in pain and so much discomfort all week. I thought it was gonna hurt way more when they removed it, but it just felt kinda weird, very thankful for that. Recovery is going well, I did bleed a little bit yesterday when they removed it, but the doctor said it was normal.I am now very self-aware when I pee, I try to do the least amount of effort possible, because I don't want to screw up all my progress, so I am also taking all the safety precautions they told me.Also, apparently I have to drink only between 1–2 liters of liquid a day, that is way too little for me, I have been so thirsty all day, doesn't help I live in a place where it is hot as hell all year long, but I guess I have no choice. >.<Overall, everything going good so far, being in rest killed my creativity a little, and I am sitting annoyed trying to get my writing and drawing inspo back, but I can manage. ♡
November 26 2024
A while has passed since I las wrote.Thankfully, everything went so well, I am finally peeing normally like I was supposed to all this time. Sounds weird to say that I am happy to pee normally but a lifetime of feeling discomfort while doing it does that to you.
January 5 2025
I have a sore throat, it even hurts when I sneeze sometimes, very uncomfortable and my throat feels like it is on fire.
January 6 2025
Feeling even worse, I had to cancel plans with a friend to gob to the movies tomorrow :(
January 18 2025
Still have a bit of a cough, but feeling a lot better now!As for my other issues:There have been a few times when I struggled to pee.
I am a bit worried since the doctor said I could start having issues again over time, since the urethra will start to slowly close up more again.I got myself a stool to put my legs on while in the bathroom like they recommended and I have seen improvements. I am being too careful with this, I do not want to screw myself over by being careless.I really hate winter, just makes the way I feel worse in general, since I have fibromyalgia, the cold just makes me feel way more tired, and I feel like I just want to be in bed doing nothing.I do not talk much in real life about having it to others, one to not worry others as mentioned before but also because I heard constantly: "But you are too young!"I remember getting fed up once at school with someone that claimed I was faking it or my other problems by saying, "So a five-year-old cannot have cancer? That would be impossible, right? Since they are too young"They said how it was "completely different"
Speaking of being a sick kid at school.I have suffered from chronic migraines since I was little, and it got to a point in my teens where I head would hurt every day. It was unbearable, and after so many failed treatments, one of my neurologists suggested Botox, and it actually worked! However...It was EXTREMELY painful, I cried not only during the procedure but the rest of the day, and the day after. I could not be sedated for it, as it was important for my muscles to be firm and not relax (or that is what I understood). At the end of the day, I am happy that I got it, worse physical pain of my life, but it has helped a lot in the long run, and while I still get headaches and migraines here and there, the treatment was honestly life-saving, so much more I could do afterward.But I remember when I went to school a few days later, and all the girls at school and even teachers were like "why are you smiling" so much that they do not left me alone, I did not want to tell them, but I got so frustrated that I shouted how I had Botox to help with my migraines.Yeah, they only heard the word Botox because everyone was suddenly so jealous that I got it, aside for friends, people only really saw the cosmetic thing, even teachers were dismissive, which made no sense since they were constantly complaining about me missing class due to being ill. Like, this helped me attend your class more often -_-.
I also have TICs, no, I do not have Tourrettes, since some people think TICs are exclusive to that.I move my muscles involuntary, particularly my neck, shoulders and right arm, recently too, like literally starting October of last year, I now snap my fingers on my right hand. Most likely the stress of the surgery and how my issues get worse in colder climates.For the most part, I have been able to live normally with them, and a while back I learned that having massages helped me with the muscle tension that builts up over time (I need to get another one soon). Sadly when my Grandmother died during the pandemic, they became unbearable, I moved my arm so much to the point I literally could not control it, I could not eat or sleep properly. It was truly an awful time.Thankfully they are back to I guess normal? Normal for my standards.I used to be self-conscious about them, I heard a lot of dumb jokes about that one episode of Drake and Josh (if you know, you know) while growing up. I worried what people might think, specially since a few times, I have caught people staring at me in public.Thankfully, I learned not to give a fuck what others think of me, more so random people who I do not even know.Still, a part of me does not want to hold grudges, most of the people that said shitty dumb things were kids my age, and I hope that they grew up to realize that was not appropriate. Some of them were really awful, so I would not exactly forgive them, but I just hope they are better people now.Anyway, I am feeling even more comfortable sharing stuff here now, lol.Feels liberating to finally vent about this stuff. ♡
February 18 2025
Well, things went better and then they got worse.My cough did not go away, it lasted for weeks and weeks, treatment was not working, turns out the issue was not my throat but rather my stomach, I am still coughing from time to time, but I am taking new medication for that.I was starting so issues with peeing again, I saw my doctor last week, and she said that while I am doing much better than before, I am going to need to take physical therapy to reinforce my pelvic bone, since my bladder is retaining too much liquid. I am starting treatment in too weeks, I am a little nervous, the doctor said it does not hurt, that it is only uncomfortable, but I am still worried, I do not tolerate pain well.I have been feeling extremely exhausted recently, I am struggling to get out of bed or to do much at all, I am telling myself to be kind, but it is hard sometimes to have that feeling of being useless and having to unlearn that I do not need to be productive 24/7.
I love pokemon, so here are some fun story adventures I thought for myself, for Kanto/Jotho and Unova.
♡ Pokemon Team ♡
PokiMoves:
Zippy Zap
Iron Tail
Thunderbolt
Light Screen
VeeMoves:
Dream Eater
Sleep Powder
Bug Buzz
Quiver Dance
TearsMoves:
Surf
Ice Beam
Waterfall
Drill Run
CapitainMoves:
Roost
Razor Wind
Air Slash
U-Turn
LotusMoves:
Mega Drain
Dazzling Gleam
Razor Leaf
Toxic
VelaMoves:
Dragon Tail
Hyper Beam
Dragon Pulse
Flamethrower
Story Mythical:
"Mew"A failed clone of Mew before Mewtwo. Saving them from team rocket they stay by our side as a loyal companion."Mew" cannot battle since its too weak, but does what they can for moral support, as well as having a playful aura around them.
Boxed Pokemon:
♡ Pokemon Team ♡
GiraMoves:
Hydro Pump
Ice Beam
Aqua Jet
Sacred Sword
MelonMoves:
Crunch
Giga Impact
Play Rough
Return
SariaMoves:
Leaf Blade
X-Scissor
Aerial Ace
Swords Dance
YukkaMoves:
Quiver Dance
Fiery Dance
Bug Buzz
Flamethrower
KyuMoves:
Outrage
Icicle Spear
Dragon Dance
Iron Head
JollyMoves:
Volt Switch
Shadow Ball
Wish
Thunderbolt
Story Mythical:
MeloettaGrateful after being saved by the shadow trio, Meloetta decides to join from a distance, ready to fight if necessary to protect the trainer they have become attached to.
Boxed Pokemon:
Bulletin Board Log
From oldest to newest
🧚🏻🪄𓂃♡🌼
This is where I ramble about my feelings when it comes to my gender identity.
January 19 2025
I remember being little and often with family we would role-play as video game characters, a particular memory that sticks in my mind is when I badly dressed up as Leon Kennedy from Resident Evil. I liked playing as the male characters more than the female ones.At school, I was weird for liking video games, or liking what most considered masculine and at the same time nerdy. I was always treated by other kids as the typical "not like other girls", even if I tried saying that I did not think I was better than anyone else. Then, there were people telling me that liking these things did not mean I was more boyish, because girls can do anything and girls can like the same things as boys.Which, of course, it is true. For me, it kinda felt weird when people said that, like of course they were right, so I had no reason to feel weird about that statement.Then, at age 12, I switch to a Catholic school, where the uniform was wearing a skirt, and contrary to what one might assume as I am writing this, I liked it, in fact, I was the only girl who liked the uniform in my class, the other girls did not like it for different reasons, like the heat where I live in or not liking a uniform in general. I started embracing femininity a lot more, and I was honestly happy with it, it did not feel forced, and looking back it still did not feel that way.I was raised Catholic (still am), and now that I was being taught the doctrine at school, I was more invested. Particularly, I always loved angels. I wanted to know everything about them, I wanted to be an angel.Because angels were not like humans, they were neither men nor woman, they could have any appearance they wanted. I wanted to be a seraphim or an archangel, I remember asking once why all the archangels had male names, if they were different from other angels, if they were all men. But again, I was told either by others, or by me looking it up on the internet, that angels are their own thing, and I found it so cool. I imagined in my head being an angel and others referring to me with masculine pronouns.Back on the school topic:I could write a million things about that school I went to, the first few years were honestly good ones, but starting at 15, there was a change in administration, and it all went to hell. And I honestly did not feel comfortable, or even welcomed at school, I had very few friends, and even then, I isolated myself at recess, I wanted to be alone.So when you are a kid and dealing with homophobic comments at school, of course the Internet was a safe space for me, I had online friends, some were good, some randomly vanished like it tends to happen with online friendships and some were toxic.I had a friend, let's call her Pony, just because they were into mlp. Pony was an awful friend on hindsight, they were caught in lies multiple times, but I was dumb and young, and they were older, so I believed them; not to mention how they used me as a personal therapist for years, but when I needed them the most, they were not there for me, and thankfully, I ended the friendship.I am mentioning Pony because they were a trans girl, they were someone I could vent my frustration, I came out to them as bisexual before I did my own family. One day, I told Pony that sometimes, I felt really wanted to be a man.
Pony's response confused me:"You only want to be a man because society thinks women are inferior"Pony vented to me about how much she hated men, how men have always oppressed women, how they oppress LGBT people and how even gay men cannot be excluded from this, how she felt that one of her friends (trans man) was also "probably not trans, they probably just that way because of how men treat women, because only men treat other men as equals"Does this seem like a weird believe to have if you are trans yourself? Definitively, but everything pony believed was contradictory in one way or another, I would be here all day if I were to show more examples.Note: If you still doubt it, just google Blair White, not the same as Pony, but, an example of a trans person who has views that harm trans people.Besides, I am mentioning this because Pony is not alone in that thinking. So many times did I see, and still see, "I hate men" posts on the Internet. If you do not like seeing those posts as a woman, it was because you are sucking up to the patriarchy, or you are a pick me girl. You can say a million times how you understand how men have led across history and the awful things they have done, how systems need to be changed, how you agree with them that society favors men, and it is a system that has to change. But if you utter the words, "not all men", suddenly, you are also part of the problem.Why did I feel mad when I heard that? I was not a man, I understood why people would hate men, I had not only bad but even traumatic experiences with men. I get why people would feel validated to be untrustful around me. Yet it did not feel right for me, it almost felt like a personal attack.
I ended up pushing those feelings aside, besides, I liked being a woman, I liked keeping my hair long, I liked feeling feminine and all the traditional things associated with femininity (aside from gardening, no matter how much my uncle tried pushing me into it)I began to feel more comfortable with myself, I stated to feel pretty, I had always felt ugly, I was overweight (still am) and the weird kid, so I did not feel attractive, no matter how many times my family would say I was pretty. It was until someone called me a heartbreaker because I kept rejecting guys that were interested in me that I realized: Oh, they liked my looks. They probably also liked my personality, I realized how I really was conventionally pretty.So I thrived developing my own style, I liked Jfashion, not a specific type and I did not attach myself to a specific subculture of Jfashion, but I embraced wearing kawaii clothes. Not everyone liked this new look, someone in my family was against it and made it vocal to how weird it was. It hurt me, but I was firm on what I liked, I started doing my nails, I would still do them if my career did not include washing my hands so much, I learned how to do make up, making myself look cuter.Then the pandemic happened, we do not talk about the pandemic, frankly I barely remember most of it, not when so much of my life fell apart. The only relevant thing is that I identified as non-binary.At one point I stopped identifying as non-binary, for some reason, I felt as I was faking it. Because even if I did not feel like a woman sometimes, it made no sense for me to still like being a woman a the same time.
Then my over time, my feelings of wanting to be a man slowly came back, more and more.I remember buying men's undershirts and men underwear with the excuse to my family that I felt more comfortable due to how certain fabrics damaged my skin and that men's clothes had better textures for my skin. I did this about 3 times, and each time, but eventually it got mixed up with my father and brother clothes and I did not want to accidentally end up wearing theirs (because that would have felt weird) and they seemed to have forgotten it was mine in the first place.Now I go to the part I wanted to talk most about, one very recent, I was shopping for clothes with family, the same family who did not like my old style, and I grabbed a pair of socks and heard."You cannot buy those, they are for men"And I remember feeling so crushed, and in a vacuum, that sounds ridiculous right? Socks only for men. Socks have to be one of the most unisex pieces of clothing in earth, who even notices the socks people are wearing?But just the thought that came to my mind of, "This is for men, and you are not a man" it upset me so much, to the point I wanted to cry. Thankfully, I said how it was my money and I would want whatever clothes I wanted, I feel proud for standing up for myself, and that was the moment I felt like I understood myself.Maybe not fully, I think the label that would fit for me the most is being genderfluid, although the more I age, the more I feel more indifferent towards an exact label.Over the years, I have had many online aliases, yet Serafiel fits so well, it fits perfectly. I feel like I am making my child self happy, that I am an angel, who is referred as masculine to others, who can be like a man and a woman yet is neither. I became the angel I always wanted to be, and while sometimes I feel conflicted about the way I feel, I finally feel truly comfortable in a way, that, silly as it sounds, I gained my wings and the strength to realize this is what truly makes me happy.Maybe it took me a longer time to realize this than my past self would have liked, but I figured it out. I am at a place where I truly feel like myself, and I can actually almost start feeling myself cry over this.I thought for a long time I was never going to be truly happy, I thought I was never going to live past being 18, yet here I am, and my life is not perfect, but I am finally thriving.I am finally myself, I am finally an angel.
February 18 2025
A while back o Twitter, a post went viral that caught my eye. It was a drawing and the gist of it was how when that person was younger, they would read yaoi and wish they were a gay guy so they could kiss boys too, and then the realization years later that was a sign they were a transman.Twitter being Twitter of course arrased them, saying a bunch of bs about it was fetishizing gay men, radfems being shitty and saying that person was not actually trans, and the typical slurs of the nazi website. I am not going to discuss that, it was all so stupid.What I will say, is that I feel the same way, I did not exactly read yaoi manga but more m/m fanfics of characters I liked from different fandoms, and I had those same feelings of wanting to be a boy to kiss other boys. It was sort of a way I could imagine myself being comfortable, I did not really know how to express those feelings in real life, so it was the closest thing I knew to express them I suppose.I also recently came across a video of a drag queen undoing their makeup, they went from a super beautiful woman to a super beautiful man, I was honestly so stunned, I wish I was them. I need to get better at doing make up lol, but with how identify as genderfluid, a video like that gave me hope that I could pull off this sort of looks, obviously not on the same level as a professional drag queen, but that I could like feminine or masculine enough when going out, if I ever get the courage to go out with a more masculine look in the first place.
Hebrews 1:14
14. Are not all angels ministering spirits sent to serve those who will inherit salvation?
Revelation 5:11
11 Then I looked and heard the voice of many angels, numbering thousands upon thousands, and ten thousand times ten thousand. They encircled the throne and the living creatures and the elders.
Luke 4:10
10 For it is written: “ ‘He will command his angels concerning you to guard you carefully;
“I cannot make you understand. I cannot make anyone understand what is happening inside me. I cannot even explain it to myself.”
― Franz Kafka, The Metamorphosis
“How about if I sleep a little bit longer and forget all this nonsense",”
― Franz Kafka, Metamorphosis
“To live is the rarest thing in the world. Most people exist, that is all.”
― Oscar Wilde
Psalms 91:11
11 For he will command his angels concerning you to guard you in all your ways;
Matthew 18:10
10 “See that you do not despise one of these little ones. For I tell you that their angels in heaven always see the face of my Father in heaven.
2 Peter 2:4
4 For if God did not spare angels when they sinned, but sent them to hell, putting them in chains of darkness to be held for judgment;
“Be yourself; everyone else is already taken.”
― Oscar Wilde
Here is me talking about life, not really a specific subject like the other ones.
January 20 2025
This is my art
I am not going to lie, I am tired of studying, the majority of last year I was working at a vet clinic and I really liked my hours and just working there in general.But I needed to get a certification to finally properly get my degree as a vet, and I took the classes (Only one left)I now have to finish the process of getting what is basically my license to practice where I live (before, I was more of an assistant, working under supervision).People are asking me if I am going to make my own vet clinic and what my master's is going to be.And like, I do not want my own clinic, at least for now, I feel like I still need more work experience, and honestly, I also want a masters, but I do not want it right away.Like I said, I am tired of studying. Even if being a vet is something I enjoy, I have always struggled with studying in general, probably just how the education system is set up I guess, I like learning at my own pace, and I get good grades, but they do not really feel rewarding to me. Like I just finished a task and that is it, once I finally start working.It would be easier for me to take this year, travel a little, and do some of the things I want before I fully commit to my new work life.
Not sure how I am going to tell my family this, I am getting pressured to study my masters already, that I need it to have a good job but more importantly earn a lot of money.Did you guys know Mexico is one of the countries where people work the most?Well, it def shows because I am already being seen as lazy for not having a job for a few months, even if realistically, after I had my surgery, it was better for me to rest for some time.I have already pushed myself to do things when sick due to that and my other chronic health issues. But since I do not have it "as bad" as other sick people, then I need to suck it up.
But I am going to stand up for myself and I do what I feel is best for me, this is going to be hard but, I need to think about myself, I have always put how others feel above me, and did what others wanted because they thought it was best for me.This time, I will choose for myself what is best for me, probably going to struggle to say this, but I know I can do it.In the meantime, I will start doing art/writing commissions. It is not going to be easy, specially considering I do not have a big following on social media, but I really love art and writing and I do need a source of income.
February 20 2025
I don't know how to vent about the situation I am living without worrying anyone I know online about my safety, but I live in a dangerous city.Currently, it is one of the most dangerous cities not just in the country but the entire world. Everyone has been affected, everyone's lives have changed.There is this realization that someone you love could be fine one moment, and the next they are gone because they were murdered or kidnapped. This could happen to me as well, being in the wrong place at the wrong time.I try not to think about it, I went to the spa today, it was good, it was relaxing but in both in there was there, and returning home, I had the though of "what if something happens to me?"This is the sad reality I live in, and recently, the though of me getting killed has been present in the back of my mind, I am scared for my loved ones, I have family who was robbed at gunpoint, I have friends who were there when shootings started happening in the streets, yesterday you could hear helicopters from the military all over the city, sometimes from outside my bed window I hear gunshots in the distance.I am scared, I want to live. The other day, I had the thought of people I know online not seeing me active and thinking that I got bored with the fandom and moved on to something else, or got tired of social media and abandoned my accounts, and not knowing that I was dead.I just want to say that I appreciate everyone I have met here online, sounds cringe but the LoP fandom really keeps me going some days, it makes me happy to see the stuff the fandom does, all the art, the fics, discussions about the game, etc. It makes my day seeing people commenting on my fics or art, it just leaves me wanting to make more. I know the fandom is not perfect, but nothing truly is perfect in life, and sometimes things like this is what makes one happy and with the will to keep looking forward.I will likely never bring this up again because again, I don't want to worry anyone, and also because I am not a doomer who gives up hope, despite how hard it is, I know things can get better, people are fighting for change. But I wanted to get these feelings off my chest.No matter what happens, I love you all, take care ♡
March 3 2025
An old memory #1:When I was a kid, I went to the beach often and one day, a hermit crab somehow got inside our car on the way back, only realizing it was there after it pitched my brother so hard he cried, the crab pitched me too when I tried removing them, it was so painful.Rocky start aside, we made him our pet, we bought him a small tank, grabbed rocks and shells we collected from the beach, and did what we could to simulate sea life for him, we added salt to his tank since we knew normal water wouldn’t do, and we named him (at least we thought it was male) Quijejo.For months, our everything went pretty well, like the little guy warmed up to us pretty quickly, and he liked to sit on our hands when we put him in the water, and we would pet him all the time. I am I don’t remember what we were feeding him as I was so young, but it wasn’t store fish food, I gave him some tuna once and he really liked it.One day, he stopped eating, and as days passed we thought he had become sick, and we decided that it was best to let him pass away peacefully at sea, so the next time we went to the beach, I sadly put him inside the water, expecting him to stay still as he had been.To my surprise he revived, he was extremely pale and as soon as he touched the water, all the colors went back to him. The little guy happily crawled on my hand for a while, and let me and my brother pet him. We put him into the ground so he could leave, and he wouldn’t at first, staying by our side, to me that was proof that Quijejo also loved us back. After a few more gentle pets, he ventured down to his home at the sea.That day, I got taught that sometimes you might love an animal, but then being a pet isn’t something that’s meant to be, some animals aren’t meant to be domesticated. Some of them should be in nature where they belong.Quijejo, I’d like to think that you went on to live a long and healthy hermit crab life, and if your life back at sea was a shot one, at least you died where you were meant to be.
My art of Quijejo
March 11 2025
An old memory #2Some years ago, I went to a reunion party for girls I went to school with ages 12-17. Some of them already knew I was bisexual, but I mentioned it there again to the girls that changed schools at one point or another and did not know. One of the girls, I am going to call her Lisa looked at me weirdly, now Lisa had always been pretty mean towards me, and everyone excused her behavior towards me and others because she was just the "brutally honest" type, I was worried when she suddenly asked me to talk in private, thinking she was going to make fun of me.She started asking me if my family knew I was bi and how the reacted, she wanted advice, and even if I did not like her, I understood how hard it is to be in the closet, so I told her my experience and listen to her vent to me why she couldn't come out to her family. But then suddenly, she started talking about how much she liked another old classmate, let's call her Rosa (who was also mean to me) and how Rosa "doesn't want to admit she is gay" and went on to describe a sexual act Rosa performed on a girl (no idea who that girl was) and how jealous she felt, and after that, I kinda tuned her out as I nodded along because who the hell shares that?? Mind you, Rosa is also in this party, so I felt as if she was going to walk in at any minute, and I was so uncomfortable the more she described her feelings towards Rosa.In the end, after a while of talking, we went back to the party, you might think this is a wholesome story where she apologizes in the end, but she never has apologized for the way she treated me in the past. Around 3 years ago I went to another reunion, Lisa was there and said how she wanted everyone to share what they have been up to, but the turned to look at me in disgust and said "but you can't talk about animals, we want to hear real stuff"Me, not talk about animals, the person who was studying to be a veterinarian.Needless to say, I avoided her as much as I could, she is still a pretty mean person, I guess some people do not mature pass their mean teenager girl era.
March 17 2025
This blog is healing me, so much I wanted to share about myself, so much I wanted others to hear, but I was too afraid to say it, too scared to share my true self, I have been ridiculed before time and time again, simply for being me. Most people that know me think I am reserved, and while I am to an extent, (as I do not share every single thing about my life here, some things are meant to be private, between me and God) there is so much I wished to say, so much I wanted to speak off, but each time I did in the past, I was met with shame, for being too weird, for being different from others.I was bullied and ostracized, and it made me what to hide away in shame. It isolated me from people for years and years, thankfully, slowly, I have begun to heal, but it has been hard, healing takes time.But this site is the void I can shout to, most likely no one is reading this, I am not expecting to gain a following, but this is the open book I can fill with endless pages about myself, share all my frustrations as well as share all the love I have to give.
Like an infinite canvas of a self-portrait.It is messy, it is at times maybe incoherent, and it is very cringe.But it's at the same time liberating, in here there is no one to mock me, and I have no fear of sharing my feelings in case of upsetting others, this is the place where I can put my feelings first.
Sure, someone could screenshot this and make fun of me I suppose, but if you are here to do that, please, re-think about that choice, you are better than to do something petty.And just now, I was worried about a hypothetical someone coming here to bully me, a sign that I still have my doubts about my self steam. But like I said, healing takes time, and sharing my world in my little blog, is helping me heal.
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In here, I want to give a spotlight to my favorite artists or writers.
Shitposting
