SERAFIEL

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Digital Diary

♡ Health Entries ♡
♡ Personal / Daily Life Entries ♡
♡ Angelic Entries (Thoughs on my Gender Identity) ♡

• Dream Diary

This is where I ramble about my feelings when it comes to my gender identity.

Talking here about my life or my daily life.

Note to self: Be kinder to yourself when it comes to your health ♡

Here I share my feelings about my medical struggles, I also go a little into detail but not overly much.
If your first thought is:
"gross, TMI why are you sharing that?"
It means you are not a mature enough person to understand that people deserve to vent about their health without judgement.
Or maybe you are mature enough to understand it is not disgusting or gross, but still feel uncomfortable reading, that one is a valid reason, everyone has topics they rather not engage with.
In any case, no one is forcing you to read, so feel free to do something else ♡

October 28 2024

Health Diary Entry

Today I had a cystoscopy, and I will be in bed rest at home for days to recover properly.
I have never been one to document my health online, aside from a few not feeling well enough to post in social media from time to time. For a long time, I felt bad about sharing these types of details, as I have faced a lot of health struggles thought my life. Sharing some of how I have feel with friends online has helped me feel better, I feel grateful to have so many people worrying about me (and offline as well) but from a young age, I had always been conditioned to not talk about my health, that it was pointless to make others worry when everyone told me I was going to be fine.
I remember around when I was 17, and I posted in a WhatsApp story about I was feeling sick due to a cold, and an hour later getting a call from my parents asking what it was about, as apparently a cousin of mine showed it to my grandmother, and I got scolded by my family for worrying her over nothing.

To be honest, I have always felt as if people I know in my daily life brush off my health issues, not that they don't care, I can tell they really do, I just don't think they understand how much I have been affected, how big it is in my life. I have seen dozens and dozens of doctors from a young age for a variety of reason, I am chronically ill, and my urinary issues have been one of my longest recurring problems. When I was very little, I would struggle so much to pee, to the point it hurt each time I tried to get it out, at night I would wake up my parents and cry because it hurt so much, in more than one occasion, my father, who is a doctor, would use a catheter to try and help me to get the urine out. One night, I was in so much pain, my father tried it again, but it didn't work, and I remember them rushing me towards the hospital, thankfully, I ended up wetting myself on the drive there, and we were so relived, I didn't even care that I got dirty, I remember feeling so relived the pain was finally gone.

Weirdly enough, I also had a bed-wetting problem, so I would either pee in my sleep or be awake at night painfully trying to do so. Over time, the issue resolved itself, however, my urine problems still remained, I would always struggle so much to let it all out, I had to do so much effort, to this day I do, although by talking with my doctor, I am going to need some physical therapy to help me pee properly, the correct way to do so.

"No one teaches you how to pee"

Those were her exact words a few days ago when she was explaining to me why I needed this procedure done. She is absolutely right, and I know to many, it probably sounds dumb you would say "of course no one does, it is an instinct all humans do". But no one teaches you how to pee properly, all my life I was doing it the wrong way, I was struggling, and people knew I was struggling, but everyone, including me, thought that I was doing it like everyone else.
From my moms side of the family, urinary problems are quite common, with family members also struggling for years and getting medical procedures done too, although my problems were not exactly the same as theirs, still, this issue (and other health issues I have) are hereditary, so we all were not super concerned, besides I am young, the women in my family that struggled with this the most were all past their forties, no one thought the issue was going this badly for me and like I said, I didn't get either it was more serious.
Sure, it is not life-threatening, but just because you aren't in the verge of death, doesn't mean others get the right to dismiss your pain and discomfort.

Don't interpret that I am mad at my family for this, a part of me is a little but like I said they really do care (at least most of them) and didn't know the true extent. Unfortunately for me, I am also autistic, and I have troubles expressing my emotions and how I am feeling, so it makes it harder for me to explain how I am struggling. Perhaps I can explain my deeper emotions better in another note in this log.
Back on the topic, I feel fine, honestly I was so scared at the hospital when they were prepping me up, but I fell under the anesthesia so quickly and was discharged soon enough.
I am in bed with a little bit of pain and discomfort, the hardest part was going up to the stairs despite having help. I have bled a little, but the doctor said it's normal, and that I will need to have this catheter for a few more days, which really sucks, but I am managing so far.
So far it has felt nicely to write about my feelings, hope to feel better soon 𓆩♱𓆪

This thing feels so weird and uncomfortable

November 2 2024

Health Diary Entry

The thing is finally off, thank God.
I was in pain and so much discomfort all week. I thought it was gonna hurt way more when they removed it, but it just felt kinda weird, very thankful for that. Recovery is going well, I did bleed a little bit yesterday when they removed it, but the doctor said it was normal.
I am now very self-aware when I pee, I try to do the least amount of effort possible, because I don't want to screw up all my progress, so I am also taking all the safety precautions they told me.
Also, apparently I have to drink only between 1–2 liters of liquid a day, that is way too little for me, I have been so thirsty all day, doesn't help I live in a place where it is hot as hell all year long, but I guess I have no choice. >.<
Overall, everything going good so far, being in rest killed my creativity a little, and I am sitting annoyed trying to get my writing and drawing inspo back, but I can manage. ♡

November 26 2024

Health Diary Entry

A while has passed since I las wrote.
Thankfully, everything went so well, I am finally peeing normally like I was supposed to all this time. Sounds weird to say that I am happy to pee normally but a lifetime of feeling discomfort while doing it does that to you.

January 5 2025

Health Diary Entry

I have a sore throat, it even hurts when I sneeze sometimes, very uncomfortable and my throat feels like it is on fire.

January 5 2025

Health Diary Entry

Feeling even worse, I had to cancel plans with a friend to gob to the movies tomorrow :(

January 18 2025

Health Diary Entry

Still have a bit of a cough, but feeling a lot better now!
As for my other issues:
There have been a few times when I struggled to pee.
I am a bit worried since the doctor said I could start having issues again over time, since the urethra will start to slowly close up more again.
I got myself a stool to put my legs on while in the bathroom like they recommended and I have seen improvements. I am being too careful with this, I do not want to screw myself over by being careless.
I really hate winter, just makes the way I feel worse in general, since I have fibromyalgia, the cold just makes me feel way more tired, and I feel like I just want to be in bed doing nothing.
I do not talk much in real life about having it to others, one to not worry others as mentioned before but also because I heard constantly: "But you are too young!"
I remember getting fed up once at school with someone that claimed I was faking it or my other problems by saying, "So a five-year-old cannot have cancer? That would be impossible, right? Since they are too young"
They said how it was "completely different"

Speaking of being a sick kid at school.
I have suffered from chronic migraines since I was little, and it got to a point in my teens where I head would hurt every day. It was unbearable, and after so many failed treatments, one of my neurologists suggested Botox, and it actually worked! However...
It was EXTREMELY painful, I cried not only during the procedure but the rest of the day, and the day after. I could not be sedated for it, as it was important for my muscles to be firm and not relax (or that is what I understood). At the end of the day, I am happy that I got it, worse physical pain of my life, but it has helped a lot in the long run, and while I still get headaches and migraines here and there, the treatment was honestly life-saving, so much more I could do afterward.
But I remember when I went to school a few days later, and all the girls at school and even teachers were like "why are you smiling" so much that they do not left me alone, I did not want to tell them, but I got so frustrated that I shouted how I had Botox to help with my migraines.

Yeah, they only heard the word Botox because everyone was suddenly so jealous that I got it, aside for friends, people only really saw the cosmetic thing, even teachers were dismissive, which made no sense since they were constantly complaining about me missing class due to being ill. Like, this helped me attend your class more often -_-.I also have TICs, no, I do not have Tourrettes, since some people think TICs are exclusive to that.
I move my muscles involuntary, particularly my neck, shoulders and right arm, recently too, like literally starting October of last year, I now snap my fingers on my right hand. Most likely the stress of the surgery and how my issues get worse in colder climates.
For the most part, I have been able to live normally with them, and a while back I learned that having massages helped me with the muscle tension that builts up over time (I need to get another one soon). Sadly when my Grandmother died during the pandemic, they became unbearable, I moved my arm so much to the point I literally could not control it, I could not eat or sleep properly. It was truly an awful time.

Thankfully they are back to I guess normal? Normal for my standards.
I used to be self-conscious about them, I heard a lot of dumb jokes about that one episode of Drake and Josh (if you know, you know) while growing up. I worried what people might think, specially since a few times, I have caught people staring at me in public.
Thankfully, I learned not to give a fuck what others think of me, more so random people who I do not even know.
Still, a part of me does not want to hold grudges, most of the people that said shitty dumb things were kids my age, and I hope that they grew up to realize that was not appropriate. Some of them were really awful, so I would not exactly forgive them, but I just hope they are better people now.
Anyway, I am feeling even more comfortable sharing stuff here now, lol.
Feels liberating to finally vent about this stuff. ♡

January 19 2025

Angelic Entry

I remember being little and often with family we would role-play as video game characters, a particular memory that sticks in my mind is when I badly dressed up as Leon Kennedy from Resident Evil. I liked playing as the male characters more than the female ones.
At school, I was weird for liking video games, or liking what most considered masculine and at the same time nerdy. I was always treated by other kids as the typical "not like other girls", even if I tried saying that I did not think I was better than anyone else. Then, there were people telling me that liking these things did not mean I was more boyish, because girls can do anything and girls can like the same things as boys.
Which, of course, it is true. For me, it kinda felt weird when people said that, like of course they were right, so I had no reason to feel weird about that statement.

Then, at age 12, I switch to a Catholic school, where the uniform was wearing a skirt, and contrary to what one might assume as I am writing this, I liked it, in fact, I was the only girl who liked the uniform in my class, the other girls did not like it for different reasons, like the heat where I live in or not liking a uniform in general. I started embracing femininity a lot more, and I was honestly happy with it, it did not feel forced, and looking back it still did not feel that way.
I was raised Catholic (still am), and now that I was being taught the doctrine at school, I was more invested. Particularly, I always loved angels. I wanted to know everything about them, I wanted to be an angel.
Because angels were not like humans, they were neither men nor woman, they could have any appearance they wanted. I wanted to be a seraphim or an archangel, I remember asking once why all the archangels had male names, if they were different from other angels, if they were all men. But again, I was told either by others, or by me looking it up on the internet, that angels are their own thing, and I found it so cool. I imagined in my head being an angel and others referring to me with masculine pronouns.

Back on the school topic:
I could write a million things about that school I went to, the first few years were honestly good ones, but starting at 15, there was a change in administration, and it all went to hell. And I honestly did not feel comfortable, or even welcomed at school, I had very few friends, and even then, I isolated myself at recess, I wanted to be alone.
So when you are a kid and dealing with homophobic comments at school, of course the Internet was a safe space for me, I had online friends, some were good, some randomly vanished like it tends to happen with online friendships and some were toxic.
I had a friend, let's call her Pony, just because they were into mlp. Pony was an awful friend on hindsight, they were caught in lies multiple times, but I was dumb and young, and they were older, so I believed them; not to mention how they used me as a personal therapist for years, but when I needed them the most, they were not there for me, and thankfully, I ended the friendship.

I am mentioning Pony because they were a trans girl, they were someone I could vent my frustration, I came out to them as bisexual before I did my own family. One day, I told Pony that sometimes, I felt really wanted to be a man.Pony's response confused me:
"You only want to be a man because society thinks women are inferior"
Pony vented to me about how much she hated men, how men have always oppressed women, how they oppress LGBT people and how even gay men cannot be excluded from this, how she felt that one of her friends (trans man) was also "probably not trans, they probably just that way because of how men treat women, because only men treat other men as equals"Does this seem like a weird believe to have if you are trans yourself? Definitively, but everything pony believed was contradictory in one way or another, I would be here all day if I were to show more examples.
Note: If you still doubt it, just google Blair White, not the same as Pony, but, an example of a trans person who has views that harm trans people.

Besides, I am mentioning this because Pony is not alone in that thinking. So many times did I see, and still see, "I hate men" posts on the Internet. If you do not like seeing those posts as a woman, it was because you are sucking up to the patriarchy, or you are a pick me girl. You can say a million times how you understand how men have led across history and the awful things they have done, how systems need to be changed, how you agree with them that society favors men, and it is a system that has to change. But if you utter the words, "not all men", suddenly, you are also part of the problem.
Why did I feel mad when I heard that? I was not a man, I understood why people would hate men, I had not only bad but even traumatic experiences with men. I get why people would feel validated to be untrustful around me. Yet it did not feel right for me, it almost felt like a personal attack.I ended up pushing those feelings aside, besides, I liked being a woman, I liked keeping my hair long, I liked feeling feminine and all the traditional things associated with femininity (aside from gardening, no matter how much my uncle tried pushing me into it)

I began to feel more comfortable with myself, I stated to feel pretty, I had always felt ugly, I was overweight (still am) and the weird kid, so I did not feel attractive, no matter how many times my family would say I was pretty. It was until someone called me a heartbreaker because I kept rejecting guys that were interested in me that I realized: Oh, they liked my looks. They probably also liked my personality, I realized how I really was conventionally pretty.
So I thrived developing my own style, I liked Jfashion, not a specific type and I did not attach myself to a specific subculture of Jfashion, but I embraced wearing kawaii clothes. Not everyone liked this new look, someone in my family was against it and made it vocal to how weird it was. It hurt me, but I was firm on what I liked, I started doing my nails, I would still do them if my career did not include washing my hands so much, I learned how to do make up, making myself look cuter.
Then the pandemic happened, we do not talk about the pandemic, frankly I barely remember most of it, not when so much of my life fell apart. The only relevant thing is that I identified as non-binary.
At one point I stopped identifying as non-binary, for some reason, I felt as I was faking it. Because even if I did not feel like a woman sometimes, it made no sense for me to still like being a woman a the same time.

Then my over time, my feelings of wanting to be a man slowly came back, more and more.
I remember buying men's undershirts and men underwear with the excuse to my family that I felt more comfortable due to how certain fabrics damaged my skin and that men's clothes had better textures for my skin. I did this about 3 times, and each time, but eventually it got mixed up with my father and brother clothes and I did not want to accidentally end up wearing theirs (because that would have felt weird) and they seemed to have forgotten it was mine in the first place.
Now I go to the part I wanted to talk most about, one very recent, I was shopping for clothes with family, the same family who did not like my old style, and I grabbed a pair of socks and heard.
"You cannot buy those, they are for men"
And I remember feeling so crushed, and in a vacuum, that sounds ridiculous right? Socks only for men. Socks have to be one of the most unisex pieces of clothing in earth, who even notices the socks people are wearing?
But just the thought that came to my mind of, "This is for men, and you are not a man" it upset me so much, to the point I wanted to cry. Thankfully, I said how it was my money and I would want whatever clothes I wanted, I feel proud for standing up for myself, and that was the moment I felt like I understood myself.

Maybe not fully, I think the label that would fit for me the most is being genderfluid, although the more I age, the more I feel more indifferent towards an exact label.
Over the years, I have had many online aliases, yet Serafiel fits so well, it fits perfectly. I feel like I am making my child self happy, that I am an angel, who is referred as masculine to others, who can be like a man and a woman yet is neither. I became the angel I always wanted to be, and while sometimes I feel conflicted about the way I feel, I finally feel truly comfortable in a way, that, silly as it sounds, I gained my wings and the strength to realize this is what truly makes me happy.
Maybe it took me a longer time to realize this than my past self would have liked, but I figured it out. I am at a place where I truly feel like myself, and I can actually almost start feeling myself cry over this.
I thought for a long time I was never going to be truly happy, I thought I was never going to live past being 18, yet here I am, and my life is not perfect, but I am finally thriving.
I am finally myself, I am finally an angel.

February 18 2025

Health Diary Entry

Well, things went better and then they got worse.
My cough did not go away, it lasted for weeks and weeks, treatment was not working, turns out the issue was not my throat but rather my stomach, I am still coughing from time to time, but I am taking new medication for that.
I was starting so issues with peeing again, I saw my doctor last week, and she said that while I am doing much better than before, I am going to need to take physical therapy to reinforce my pelvic bone, since my bladder is retaining too much liquid. I am starting treatment in too weeks, I am a little nervous, the doctor said it does not hurt, that it is only uncomfortable, but I am still worried, I do not tolerate pain well.
I have been feeling extremely exhausted recently, I am struggling to get out of bed or to do much at all, I am telling myself to be kind, but it is hard sometimes to have that feeling of being useless and having to unlearn that I do not need to be productive 24/7.

February 18 2025

Angelic Entry

A while back o Twitter, a post went viral that caught my eye. It was a drawing and the gist of it was how when that person was younger, they would read yaoi and wish they were a gay guy so they could kiss boys too, and then the realization years later that was a sign they were a transman.
Twitter being Twitter of course arrased them, saying a bunch of bs about it was fetishizing gay men, radfems being shitty and saying that person was not actually trans, and the typical slurs of the nazi website. I am not going to discuss that, it was all so stupid.
What I will say, is that I feel the same way, I did not exactly read yaoi manga but more m/m fanfics of characters I liked from different fandoms, and I had those same feelings of wanting to be a boy to kiss other boys. It was sort of a way I could imagine myself being comfortable, I did not really know how to express those feelings in real life, so it was the closest thing I knew to express them I suppose.
I also recently came across a video of a drag queen undoing their makeup, they went from a super beautiful woman to a super beautiful man, I was honestly so stunned, I wish I was them. I need to get better at doing make up lol, but with how identify as genderfluid, a video like that gave me hope that I could pull off this sort of looks, obviously not on the same level as a professional drag queen, but that I could like feminine or masculine enough when going out, if I ever get the courage to go out with a more masculine look in the first place.

February 20 2025

Daily Life Entry

I don't know how to vent about the situation I am living without worrying anyone I know online about my safety, but I live in a dangerous city.
Currently, it is one of the most dangerous cities not just in the country but the entire world. Everyone has been affected, everyone's lives have changed.
There is this realization that someone you love could be fine one moment, and the next they are gone because they were murdered or kidnapped. This could happen to me as well, being in the wrong place at the wrong time.
I try not to think about it, I went to the spa today, it was good, it was relaxing but in both in there was there, and returning home, I had the though of "what if something happens to me?"
This is the sad reality I live in, and recently, the though of me getting killed has been present in the back of my mind, I am scared for my loved ones, I have family who was robbed at gunpoint, I have friends who were there when shootings started happening in the streets, yesterday you could hear helicopters from the military all over the city, sometimes from outside my bed window I hear gunshots in the distance.

I am scared, I want to live. The other day, I had the thought of people I know online not seeing me active and thinking that I got bored with the fandom and moved on to something else, or got tired of social media and abandoned my accounts, and not knowing that I was dead.
I just want to say that I appreciate everyone I have met here online, sounds cringe but the LoP fandom really keeps me going some days, it makes me happy to see the stuff the fandom does, all the art, the fics, discussions about the game, etc. It makes my day seeing people commenting on my fics or art, it just leaves me wanting to make more. I know the fandom is not perfect, but nothing truly is perfect in life, and sometimes things like this is what makes one happy and with the will to keep looking forward.
I will likely never bring this up again because again, I don't want to worry anyone, and also because I am not a doomer who gives up hope, despite how hard it is, I know things can get better, people are fighting for change. But I wanted to get these feelings off my chest.
No matter what happens, I love you all, take care ♡

March 3 2025

Daily Life Entry

An old memory #1:

When I was a kid, I went to the beach often and one day, a hermit crab somehow got inside our car on the way back, only realizing it was there after it pitched my brother so hard he cried, the crab pitched me too when I tried removing them, it was so painful.
Rocky start aside, we made him our pet, we bought him a small tank, grabbed rocks and shells we collected from the beach, and did what we could to simulate sea life for him, we added salt to his tank since we knew normal water wouldn’t do, and we named him (at least we thought it was male) Quijejo.
For months, our everything went pretty well, like the little guy warmed up to us pretty quickly, and he liked to sit on our hands when we put him in the water, and we would pet him all the time. I am I don’t remember what we were feeding him as I was so young, but it wasn’t store fish food, I gave him some tuna once and he really liked it.
One day, he stopped eating, and as days passed we thought he had become sick, and we decided that it was best to let him pass away peacefully at sea, so the next time we went to the beach, I sadly put him inside the water, expecting him to stay still as he had been.

To my surprise he revived, he was extremely pale and as soon as he touched the water, all the colors went back to him. The little guy happily crawled on my hand for a while, and let me and my brother pet him. We put him into the ground so he could leave, and he wouldn’t at first, staying by our side, to me that was proof that Quijejo also loved us back. After a few more gentle pets, he ventured down to his home at the sea.
That day, I got taught that sometimes you might love an animal, but them being a pet isn’t something that’s meant to be, some animals aren’t meant to be domesticated. Some of them should be in nature where they belong.
Quijejo, I’d like to think that you went on to live a long and healthy hermit crab life, and if your life back at sea was a shot one, at least you died where you were meant to be.

My art of Quijejo

March 11 2025

Daily Life Entry

An old memory #2

Some years ago, I went to a reunion party for girls I went to school with ages 12-17. Some of them already knew I was bisexual, but I mentioned it there again to the girls that changed schools at one point or another and did not know. One of the girls, I am going to call her Lisa looked at me weirdly, now Lisa had always been pretty mean towards me, and everyone excused her behavior towards me and others because she was just the "brutally honest" type, I was worried when she suddenly asked me to talk in private, thinking she was going to make fun of me.
She started asking me if my family knew I was bi and how the reacted, she wanted advice, and even if I did not like her, I understood how hard it is to be in the closet, so I told her my experience and listen to her vent to me why she couldn't come out to her family. But then suddenly, she started talking about how much she liked another old classmate, let's call her Rosa (who was also mean to me) and how Rosa "doesn't want to admit she is gay" and went on to describe a sexual act Rosa performed on a girl (no idea who that girl was) and how jealous she felt, and after that, I kinda tuned her out as I nodded along because who the hell shares that?? Mind you, Rosa is also in this party, so I felt as if she was going to walk in at any minute, and I was so uncomfortable the more she described her feelings towards Rosa.

In the end, after a while of talking, we went back to the party, you might think this is a wholesome story where she apologizes in the end, but she never has apologized for the way she treated me in the past. Around 3 years ago I went to another reunion, Lisa was there and said how she wanted everyone to share what they have been up to, but the turned to look at me in disgust and said "but you can't talk about animals, we want to hear real stuff"
Me, not talk about animals, the person who was studying to be a veterinarian.
Needless to say, I avoided her as much as I could, she is still a pretty mean person, I guess some people do not mature pass their mean teenager girl era.

March 17 2025

Daily Life Entry

This blog is healing me, so much I wanted to share about myself, so much I wanted others to hear, but I was too afraid to say it, too scared to share my true self, I have been ridiculed before time and time again, simply for being me. Most people that know me think I am reserved, and while I am to an extent, (as I do not share every single thing about my life here, some things are meant to be private, between me and God) there is so much I wished to say, so much I wanted to speak off, but each time I did in the past, I was met with shame, for being too weird, for being different from others.
I was bullied and ostracized, and it made me what to hide away in shame. It isolated me from people for years and years, thankfully, slowly, I have begun to heal, but it has been hard, healing takes time.
But this site is the void I can shout to, most likely no one is reading this, I am not expecting to gain a following, but this is the open book I can fill with endless pages about myself, share all my frustrations as well as share all the love I have to give.Like an infinite canvas of a self-portrait.
It is messy, it is at times maybe incoherent, and it is very cringe.

But it's at the same time liberating, in here there is no one to mock me, and I have no fear of sharing my feelings in case of upsetting others, this is the place where I can put my feelings first.
Sure, someone could screenshot this and make fun of me I suppose, but if you are here to do that, please, re-think about that choice, you are better than to do something petty.
And just now, I was worried about a hypothetical someone coming here to bully me, a sign that I still have my doubts about my self steam. But like I said, healing takes time, and sharing my world in my little blog, is helping me heal.

June 1st 2025

Angelic Entry

╔═══ஓ๑♡๑ஓ═══╗
angels are real
╚═══ஓ๑♡๑ஓ═══╝
i know because i am one

September 25 2025

Health Diary Entry

My health becomes better, then becomes bad. I feel good for a while, then it all comes back.
It's always been like this; I guess it comes with being chronically ill. But I am tired, tired of treatments, tired of trying everything to get better, not to say none of them have helped, but most feel like temporary fixes; eventually the pain and discomfort come back. Currently I am taking a treatment for my fibromyalgia, some electromagnetic shit that I do not think works, and if it does, then it's not working for me. It did for, like, a few days, but now the pain is back, but my family is insistent on me doing the treatment, and I get it; they want me to feel better, but I want them to realize that there isn't going to be a magical cure. My parents are doctors; they should know better than to think some people are just constantly ill, that not every sickness can be cured.
I am so done with this, I really want to stop it because I really dislike the treatment; it just makes me feel uncomfortable, and it is a waste of time. I guess I just need the courage to tell them I am done and to just let me be sick in peace.
I obviously want to get better; everyone in my situation would. It's just that it's tiresome to try shit after shit with no real results. Medical procedures are not exactly fun to experience; they are uncomfortable or painful. Sometimes it's too much, and sometimes I just want to rest from it all.

September 27th 2025

Angelic Entry

Wishing I could dress like this.
What is stopping me? Partly preassure of what people will say, and not because the outfits are vitange, but what they would say about me dressing more masculine.
Partly that I live in a very hot place, its September and we are 30C or more. Plus it is super humid and I would like to avoid a heat stroke.
Well, at least I can dream ♡

March 28th 2026

Health Diary Entry + Daily Life Entry

A lot has happened.First, I completely redid and changed how this blog looked. It has a few less things than before, but I like way more how it looks now, though I plan to make a few changes; but this template I used I personally find really cute and cool, giving that old web nostalgia vibe.Health-wise, it has been a roller coaster. Personally, I am so exhausted that I do not even have the energy to give my full thoughts.
- My urine problems have gotten better.
- My fibromyalgia got worse. I took a new treatment plan for it, and I got way better at managing the chronic pain/fatigue. Though obviously it has not disappeared, and I still have some very bad days when I really struggle.
- I got diagnosed with endometriosis, had surgery, and I am so tired I do not even want to have a uterus; it has just fucked me over all my life.These past few days I wrote a lot about some things I've been feeling, memories, or some opinions I have, which I was going to share on my Tumblr, but I don't know; I have not felt like sharing more of my life in there. Honestly better to post them here, in my private, not-so-private corner; I like sharing about my life, and what I think, I am just so used to people telling me that they do not like hearing either of those that I am just hesitant to share on social media, where there is judgment even if unwanted.All that said; Life is bad, and then it gets better—the same old cycle, I suppose. Things are okay right now despite all that I said, and I even got my old job back, gonna be starting soon again, which makes me happy. Rn I am a bit tired to share my positive thoughts,  since I am writing late at night, but despite my struggles, I would say I am in a way better spot than I was last year. Hopefully I can share those positive things soon, for now, here are my rambles, just copy pasted from my tumblr drafts:

México the only country where mothers are the ones looking for their missing children because the police won’t. Groups of mothers looking for their sons and daughters who never came back, they know full well that most of the time they are dead but they want them to come home, have a proper burial.The reason the government doesn’t look for them it’s not for lack of resources, or because investing would be too difficult. It’s because forcefully missing isn’t technically dead, they can claim that they simply “left by themselves”; because to them those missing are not people who had dreams and goals, they are statistics and if it looks bad if the country has a high death rate due to the violence, so they claim ignorance, for them it’s better that they remain missing.Some of these mother don’t just look for their own children, most of them are in groups, they help each other and other to find their family. Because even in the hardest of times, even when the country is filled with death and violence people still choose to remain kind, caring for more than just themselves.Don’t know how to end this post so fuck the government. And I hope all these mother are able to find their children.

An old memory #3:

You know I’m never going to forget how when I was 17 and in catholic school, my very emotional teenage self was crying about being bi and when another girl in my class asked what was wrong instead of lying I accidentally told her the truth, with all the girls in the class hearing what I said; which only made me feel worse and I was fully having a panic attack because this was a school where homophobia was the norm for most teachers and students.I legit thought my world was going to end right then and there; but the girls called in for a meeting and we all went next to the girl’s bathroom where they just talked to me, and they all promised that nobody was going to find out. Eventually class was about to start again but I was still too emotional to go to class and some girls stayed with me; I don’t know what the rest told to the teacher but me and them didn’t get into trouble for skipping the class.And for days I worried that one of them would tell, because there were girls who I didn’t get along with or wasn’t close with. But no one did, the girls who were mean to me didn’t use it against me either or threatened to tell others; all of them kept their word . With my friends I became comfortable enough that I could talk about it with them and even make jokes.I know some people will hear this and think I was lucky and that it was an ideal scenario but I think it doesn’t have to be that way. For me it just showed me that there were people who were more accepting than I thought, that there was true solidarity, and that I was in a space where I could feel safe.I am not a group of people but the least I can do is repay that same kindness to others. I think we should encourage more people to do the same; if each individual goes out of their way to help others, even those who they dislike. Eventually you are going to get a group of people, and eventually that group will become more.

An old memory #4:

When I was 13 one of my classmates in school mentioned how she had a boyfriend, I wasn’t really that close with her so I didn’t pay much attention to what she was saying, I only knew that he was a bit older than her and from another school (at least that’s what I thought since he didn’t go to our school)The other girls would mention how sweet, how kind and how romantic he was towards her. For our next year I didn’t see her, and asking a classmate revealed that she changed schools and she also told me about her boyfriend who apparently gave her roses and chocolates and said he was “going to wait for her”That’s when I learned her “boyfriend” was a 20 year old man, who was clearly grooming her, and when I raised concerns my friend told how her fucking parents knew and were “okay” with it, it was okay because he was “going to wait until she turned 18” mind you they didn’t even break up, he was waiting for her to be 18 to do you know what with her, so he wouldn’t go to jail.I don’t blame my friend for defending the situation since we were kids; but even if I never met her parents I always held just a grudge and hate against them, and I’m not someone who has a big list of people who they hate. It was just completely disgusting for me to see how they let their daughter be groomed by that predator.I found some old pics from that time in school and when I saw her it reminded me of what happened. I haven’t heard from her since. I really hope that she got away from that man and her family, and that wherever she is, that she is doing well in life.Sorry if that topic was a big heavy but, I needed to vent because it makes me furious every time I’m reminded of her.

The idea that only new generations are treating pets like their children which is used to complain about declining birthrates or other stuff is just flat out wrong.Like I’m speaking about of my own experiences but my grandaunt and her husband who could unfortunately never have children had dogs who they treated as kids; and when these dogs died they were absolute devastated. A cousin of my mother and her “friend” who they live together with also always having dogs who they treated as their kids. And I’ve met plenty of other people who don’t fit those same circumstances but for one reason or another they have pets who they treat as their children.This isn’t a new thing, this isn’t the new generation being “lazy”. It’s something that has always been there, something that people ignored until it more people started doing it, suddenly it’s a societal problem that needs to be fixed.

April 14th 2026

Daily Life Entry

More things that have been in my mind.

An old memory #5:

I asked my dad (psychiatrist) one day if he had encounters with parents of kids who didn’t believe they were mentally ill, and he told me this story about how a woman brought in her daughter one day for consultation just so she could tell her that “she had nothing/ didn’t have anything wrong with her”So my dad tells the mother to go outside while he talks to her daughter, after the talk mother comes back expecting him to agree with her, but he says: “Mam, your daughter is severely depressed and even suicidal this is a real problem and she needs help right away.”He said that the mom had her mouth open in shook, and that she was just so baffled at that moment out of what he said. Now to give the mom credit she did apologize to her daughter and gave her the help she needed, with my dad also going in depth about depression so she could understand better what her daughter was going through.But honestly wild to me that this woman really booked an appointment just to ask a doctor to tell her daughter that she was exaggerating and fine. Thought in the end I suppose that ended up being the best decision in that situation she could have taken instead of just ignoring her daughter.

An old memory #6:

I remember while growing up that I had more than a few teachers who did not believe I was sick because I didn’t look sick enough in their eyes. One of these teachers was even bold enough to tell me to my face that they didn’t believe me, and that they thought my parents (doctors) where just covering up for me so I could skip school.That logic always baffled me because I have not met a single person who grew up with parents who were doctors, that would do something like that for them; in fact more often than not I saw the opposite; that these parents would push their kids too much even if they were sick or tired just for the sake of good grades. I know this is anecdotal but I grew up surrounded by other kids with doctor parents; and maybe it’s just me but I don’t even see a bad doctor agreeing to do this for their kid “yeah let me lie about your health, something that goes directly against what I studied for 7 years”Don’t even get me started on the logic of “lying to be sick just to get sympathy” most of the time I was met with hostility. By other kids and adults who told me that I was just “exaggerating” and that surely I didn’t actually feel that bad because I could do Y and W; and even at one point where I got fed up and showed a picture to some classmates that where doubting me of the medications I took, they decided to start saying that I was claiming to be sick so I could get high (none of my medications had those side effects) and that I was a drug seeker.Aside from friends and the occasional nice teacher, I didn’t really get much compassion at school.Long rant and this might be too harsh in the eyes of some, but I think if a teacher accuses a student of faking their illness there should be consequences. Cause kids can be mean and dumb but have room to grow, and I wasn’t perfect as a child; but why are you a grown ass person being not only unsympathetic but also antagonistic towards a kid?

An old memory #7:

When I was like teenager I had a classmate who told me and other girls about how her grandmother would spend all the time at the casino, and how her mother had to go and beg her to stop, crying and telling her to not waste her money but more importantly to care about her family.She didn’t say it in a tone that was for venting, she said it so casually, and later on, there where other times where she mentioned more about her grandmother being at the casino. To her this was her normal, that her grandmother cared more about the slot machines than being with her family, and that she was wasting all the money had worked hard for in her life because of this addiction.I keep getting reminded of this story because literally every day I see add for online casinos, or online gambling sites. I see a video and mid way through one of the sponsors is also a gambling site. Thats not even mentioning the whole rabbit whole of lucky scoops, or how the things some gatcha games do to get people to buy more things for their game.A gambling addiction is no joke, people not only hurt themselves but their loved ones as well.I don’t know how really to end how I feel about this, but if you feel you are going down that path, or know someone that might; please seek help/get your loved ones help. It’s not too late to change, it’s not to late to fix things, it’s going to be hard, there are going to be struggles, but you can get out, become a better person.The first step starts with deciding to change.Don’t be my classmate’s grandma, don’t choose gambling over your loved ones.

Something I saw constantly when I used Twitter was the people who will claim to be the most progressive also be the most ableist.Like they don’t say out loud that they hate neurodivergent people, but they constantly make fun of every single neurodivergent trait. If someone doesn’t look physically disabled enough in their eyes then that means they are actually just lazy.Same people who will say “mental health matters” but shame people for not showering when they are depressed.I also saw this with a lot of people in first world countries, that they have have in their bio how progressive they are, and how they support women, and Palestine, and LGBT rights; but the moment you disagree with them in something and you are from a third world country, they are the first ones to throw slurs at you and insult everything about where you live.I saw way too many times Europeans calling people from Latin America monkeys the moment they get into an argument.I left Twitter because of the constant hate speech I saw, how alt right groups ran rampant, but even so called allies were also toxic in that site.

Be kind when explaining to older folks why AI is harmful, they don’t know much about technology so don’t assume they already know it’s bad. Start by telling them first how it harms the environment since in my experience that’s usually what first gets them to understand better the greater repercussions it has; and then move on to talking about how it steals from artists and writer.If those older folks have for example a singer the really like, and that singer has spoken against AI, use them as an example.Of course there will be people who you will try to explain and not care, but that isn’t exclusive to age, plenty of young people use AI knowing full well why it’s bad. But it’s at least worth trying, not every older person is stubborn and unwilling to learn.

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♡ Book Reviews ♡

These are just my personal thoughts, nothing professional. I enjoy reading and analyzing stories; how the reflect in the past, and how their stories can be applies today; or analyzing the characters, what makes them who they are.Reading is a hobby that I used to do more often, and now I want to get back into reading as much as I used to.

Currently Reading: Moby Dick

The Strange Case of Dr Jekyll and Mr Hyde

The strange case of Doctor Jekyll and Mr. Hyde is a very iconic story, having been adapted in media in countless ways, yet now after reading said story I see how much the adaptations diverge from the original.I am not one who particularly thinks that all adaptations need to be 100% like a book, and I suppose that it would be challenging to keep this story true to the original simply considering by how the twist on the story is so well known; a lot of people might not know anything about The Strange Case of Doctor Jekyll and Mr. Hyde but they will tell you that they are the same character, one a different personality of the other.Which I think would be incorrect, all these previous adaptations lead me to believe that these two where complete separate from each other; many put it as a case of split personality or that the bad side of Dr. Jekyll somehow gets all absorbed by Mr. Hyde and poor Dr. Jekyll is innocent in anything his other half does. When in reality there was never a Mr. Hyde, everything done by him was always at the hands of Dr. Jekyll, not a second personality but a mask, a disguise he wore to conceal his true intentions.A lot has been said about how repressed British society was during the time period the book was written and the extreme social norms both men and women had to endure to fit in. While there has been misconceptions or misinformation going around about said subjects too in recent years (no, women didn’t wear gloves because people thought their hands were too sexy), there is no denying that it was a time where there was a deep social pressure to fit in, with many etiquette books written for others to try and fit into said society.Utterson the protagonist is sure at first that Dr. Jekyll must be getting blackmail by Mr. Hyde for an error or reckless act he did in his youth. Now Dr. Jekyll is an older gentleman, it’s hard to believe at first that for a mistake you did decades ago, again, a reflection of British society at the time; and while some would argue that it’s the same now days with the rise of social media that every act you do online is out under a microscope I would argue that it comes to mistakes, to an act that wad stupid but wasn’t serious enough that most people wouldn’t care. There are many cases of people online being found that they used for example slurs in their vocabulary when they were teenagers; and these people apologize for their behavior with others moving on, because many can relate to doing things as a teenager that you weren’t proud of. Where as if this person did something that was serious in nature, let’s say having hurt an animal or a person, of course people would have a hard time forgiving.

I went a bit on a tangent there, but just as Utterson repeats over and over again that surely this blackmail is over a mistake of the past that plenty of others could have done as well; I am also mentioning how if by his reasoning that was the case, it’s unfair and terrible that a supposed kind man like Dr. Jekyll is forced to give his good earned fortune to a man as terrible as Mr. Hyde.Speaking of Mr. Hyde, the book does a great first impression of telling you how much of a scumbag he is by having him shove a little girl to the floor just because she passed near him. With every person who saw the act disgusted at his behavior. Every malicious act Hyde does is always described in detail, and his hideous appearance is described with as much detail as his acts. While one might take this as those views that aged badly that you find on old literature, it’s important to note that every time that Dr. Jekyll is described, at least once people mention that he is handsome, or that he fits the description at the time of a conventionally attractive man.
In my opinion how beauty means goodness is more so a prejudice that the protagonist has, while also challenging the reader if they themselves have those same views. Jekyll who was this rich, influential, well respected and attractive man; was all along a rotten person from the inside.Mr. Hyde was that disguise, that excuse he could use for him to do all the things he wanted without repercussions. Jekyll couldn’t be rude to his house staff but Hyde could; Jekyll had a reputation to maintain in public but Hyde could do whatever he wanted in public. In his confession, Dr. Jekyll claims that Hyde was taking over him, that the more he transformed the more worse the acts he did became without him even meaning to.Truthfully it was more so the fact that once you get used to acting a certain way, it’s a slippery slope to doing worse and worse. Let’s say you are rude to a service worker because you are annoyed, and you got no consequences; so you are rude to your colleagues and if you get no consequences there, you become rude to friends and then your family.There was no punishment for his actions so in his head he kept doing more and rationalizing them as him having no control over what Hyde did.Dr. Jekyll claims over and over again that he wanted repentance, that he was deeply ashamed of everything he did as Hyde, but he never does anything to amend said mistakes; he never comes clean that he was Hyde until his death, he never admits to the ones he hurt who he really was and apologizes; he feels sorry for himself but there is no real willingness to accept his actions and make amends; if someone truly feels sorry for their actions, they don’t go “poor is me” without doing what the can to try and fix and mend their actions, and even accept that maybe for some forgiveness won’t be accepted.Of course there the fact that if he were to do all that as Dr. Jekyll it would be social suicide and his career and reputation he built over the years would be over. But what was stopping him from doing all these acts as Mr. Hyde? Truly nothing.Only until it was past the point of no return, when he killed an innocent man that his deeds caught up to him; a truly remorseful person would be ashamed of what they did, turn themselves over to face justice; again, Jekyll doesn’t do that, he only promises he will never use the potion and again, only for him to fail at that same promise.
He mentions how he found himself transformed into Hyde without remembering.Again, I don’t think this was a case of a split personality taking over, I think that either Jekyll did this is moments where he was possibly drunk, of more likely he was in fact experiencing anguish for his actions, but his unwillingness to change made him start denying reality.I believe that he lost control of the potion because it was always unstable; he himself was always also unstable, he had that dark side that he didn’t want to hide, which is why he gave himself the name “Mr. Hyde”.It was all him, Jekyll deep down was never the kind doctor; he was the rotten Mr. Hyde. It is only fitting that he dies in that form, dying as his true self and not the man he wanted society to think he was.I honestly prefer this original version of his character. I would love to see more characters like this in media or perhaps even an adaptation of this book that stays true to the original. As I believe this is a message that has become very relevant again in our modern times.
Some people in their daily lives appear as kind, caring and compassionate, when in reality they are the exact opposite. Now with the internet and online spaces, there are people who use it as a mask, as a disguise like Mr. Hyde was to show their true colors. The opposite can also be the case, people who are mean and cruel in their daily lives, but choose to appear the opposite online to gain a social following.To quote another author of that same era, Oscar Wilde:  “Man is least himself when he talks in his own person. Give him a mask, and he will tell you the truth.”
Just like the potion didn’t make Dr. Jekyll evil, the internet doesn’t make people act with cruelty and no matter how you try to hide your true colors; they will always make themselves appear. It is true that evil doesn’t always pay, but the truth eventually comes out; and perhaps maybe one day we could live in a world where if someone shows their true colors, there will always be consequences for that person’s actions.

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Hebrews 1:14
14. Are not all angels ministering spirits sent to serve those who will inherit salvation?

“To live is the rarest thing in the world. Most people exist, that is all.”
― Oscar Wilde

Psalms 91:11
11 For he will command his angels concerning you to guard you in all your ways;

Revelation 5:11
11 Then I looked and heard the voice of many angels, numbering thousands upon thousands, and ten thousand times ten thousand. They encircled the throne and the living creatures and the elders.

Matthew 18:10
10 “See that you do not despise one of these little ones. For I tell you that their angels in heaven always see the face of my Father in heaven

Luke 4:10
10 For it is written: “ ‘He will command his angels concerning you to guard you carefully;

2 Peter 2:4
4 For if God did not spare angels when they sinned, but sent them to hell, putting them in chains of darkness to be held for judgment;

“Be yourself; everyone else is already taken.”
― Oscar Wilde

“I cannot make you understand. I cannot make anyone understand what is happening inside me. I cannot even explain it to myself.”
― Franz Kafka, The Metamorphosis

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Note(s):
The gifs and images used are not mine (unless I mention they are), I find them on tumblr in the Geocities tag, card resources, etc, under posts that say that they are free to use for other people’s sites, that being said, if any of these are yours and don't want me using them, feel free to tell me and I will gladly take them down ♡
I also use gifs/pics from anime or other media but needles to say that I do not owe them lol.

This site is for something fun for me, so just because it's public, that doesn't mean I accept rudeness or criticism. I blog out of passion, and not for others enjoyment
This page is something personal, I do not expect people to read it in general but if they do, I hope they had a nice time seeing a piece of me. Think of it as my little online home, people are welcomed but please be nice.
Also, English is not my first language and I don't feel like doing a thorough grammar check in what I write here, so it is what it is

I had to turn off animations of this site to make it less slow >.>

I love pokemon, so here are some fun story adventures I thought for myself, for Kanto/Jotho and Unova.

♡ Pokemon Team ♡

Poki
Moves:
Zippy Zap
Iron Tail
Thunderbolt
Light Screen

Vee
Moves:
Dream Eater
Sleep Powder
Bug Buzz
Quiver Dance

Tears
Moves:
Surf
Ice Beam
Waterfall
Drill Run

Capitain
Moves:
Roost
Razor Wind
Air Slash
U-Turn

Lotus
Moves:
Mega Drain
Dazzling Gleam
Razor Leaf
Toxic

Vela
Moves:
Dragon Tail
Hyper Beam
Dragon Pulse
Flamethrower

Story Mythical:

A failed clone of Mew before Mewtwo. Saving them from team rocket they stay by our side as a loyal companion.
"Mew" cannot battle since its too weak, but does what they can for moral support, as well as having a playful aura around them.

Boxed Pokemon:

♡ Pokemon Team ♡

Gira
Moves:
Hydro Pump
Ice Beam
Aqua Jet
Sacred Sword

Melon
Moves:
Crunch
Giga Impact
Play Rough
Return

Saria
Moves:
Leaf Blade
X-Scissor
Aerial Ace
Swords Dance

Yukka
Moves:
Quiver Dance
Fiery Dance
Bug Buzz
Flamethrower

Kyu
Moves:
Outrage
Icicle Spear
Dragon Dance
Iron Head

Jolly
Moves:
Volt Switch
Shadow Ball
Wish
Thunderbolt

Story Mythical:

Meloetta
Grateful after being saved from the shadow trio, Meloetta decides to join from a distance, ready to fight if necessary to protect the trainer they have become attached to.

Boxed Pokemon:

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